this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
