Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
