He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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