i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
