I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
