afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
