I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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