Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
