she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
