Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
