its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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