i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
