I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
