I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
