Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
