I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
