do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize