i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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