wakey wakey hands off snakey
Please, let me fuck your mom
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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