Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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