I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
