textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
