Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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