Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
