I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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