So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
