Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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