I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
