if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
