You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
