go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
