The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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