I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
