I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Randomize