Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
