I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
