Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
