I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
