my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
