I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize