She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He did a backflip because drugs
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
