you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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