I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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