Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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