please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
