awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
