You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
