I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
