there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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