please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
