nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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