He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
