I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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