you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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