forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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