well I can't set my house on fire every night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
