Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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