Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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