I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
