she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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