I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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